Old Emotional Patterns Contributing to Weight

This week, I was finding myself impatient and agitated and I couldn’t pinpoint where it was coming from.  Maybe waking up on the wrong side of the bed, I’m not sure.  It was hard to shake even after praying in the morning, I was still thinking negative thoughts. It wasn’t like something happened to spark the thoughts, they were just random.  Either way, it impacted my behavior and those around me and I had to apologize.  I had to forgive myself too.  I’ve been working on letting go of the negative thoughts and beliefs but it goes to show you, that it doesn’t happen overnight.

One of the main things I noticed which bothered me was people ‘looking’ at me. I know it sounds strange but I’ll explain.  I made a choice 3 years ago to take the time to look good when I leave the house. That means wearing skirts and nylons to work, styling my hair and make up. In the past, I didn’t care so much about those things. I would say to myself, I’ll do it when I lose the weight.  However, I’ve learned, I had to start doing those things now, even if I’m overweight at the moment because it makes me feel better about myself.  And it has and I’m grateful I made the right choice for me.  This has been a habit now for over 3 years since I made the original decision.

However, these past few days, I’ve ‘noticed’ people looking at me and normally it doesn’t bother me. I typically look into someones eyes, acknowledge them and say hello with a smile. This is another choice I made as a commitment to myself.  Not everyone smiles and says hello back, but I’ll be honest, since I started doing it, MOST people do.  It’s sad to say this little act was something I didn’t do before. I would wait for others to say hello first and I rarely smiled (I feel ashamed admitting this to you).  Remember, I was a very angry person before (mostly at myself) and so I would say negative things to myself to justify why I didn’t need to ‘go out of my way’ to smile and say hello to others. How shallow and sad.  I see that now.

Since I’ve been practicing this behavior, it not only feels good inside, but it feels good to see others smile as if they needed to be acknowledged.  As adults, I believe we get so into our head and our own selfish thinking, we don’t realize there are others who need a little encouragement and happiness because they may be having a tough day.  What a revelation I experienced when I discovered this little act of love.

Like I said, typically it’s felt good for me, but the last few days, I’ve noticed myself becoming very self-conscious and I couldn’t figure out what was going on.  It’s like I’m seeing more and more people look at me, especially women and my thoughts were all over the place.   The first time it happened was when I went to the gym in the morning. I get ready for work there and I sometimes don’t feel secure with the choice of clothes I picked out.  There isn’t a full length mirror to look at when I’m changing so I don’t know how I look until the last minute, when I’m walking out of the gym and it can sometimes feel awkward.  That may be some of the reason these feelings were coming up when the women at the gym were looking at me, and I don’t think it was intentional but at the moment, my thoughts were all over the place.

I was thinking, “Are they judging me? Do the clothes I’m wearing look okay? What’s wrong with me? Why are they staring at me? Did I do something wrong?”  It feels good saying this because it was bubbling up inside and I believe it’s those old insecurities which fall into my old comfort zone and justified my selfish behavior in the past.  I know it’s not any different than any other day, but for some reason, the last couple of days, I’ve felt uncomfortable with people looking at me.

On the way home from work, I said to myself, I’m going to let that go. I’m going to continue smiling and saying hello to others even if they look at me, I’m going to smile and say to myself, “I love other people.”  I know that will help with resolving some of those insecure thoughts that pop into my head.

Some experts say we keep weight to ‘protect’ us from feeling emotions or experiencing things we’d rather avoid.  This came to me yesterday and I thought, yes, that is part of it.  In the past, because I didn’t feel good about myself, I would avoid people and situations as I gained weight. The more I gained, the more I would avoid being in public.  Part of that is people ‘looking at me’ and it made me very uncomfortable. I would say, “They are judging me.” and I didn’t want to be exposed to the judgement (I judged myself a whole lot more than others did, I made sure of it) Logically I say I don’t mind it, but on an emotional level, I’ve realized, that it triggers old uncomfortable feelings of being ‘seen’.  When I was being ‘seen’ in my past, I experienced pain whether from childhood when I was teased mercilessly or even as a adult.  Wow, as I’m writing this, it’s starting to make sense. I’m realizing when I was ‘seen’ by others (men), things didn’t end well at all and that’s scarred my memory.  I experienced a lot of judgement which I internalized. I didn’t feel good about myself so I attracted others who didn’t feel good about themselves and was hurt. This could be contributing to those old negative thoughts questioning why people are ‘looking at me’ and can I feel comfortable with that again, whether it’s now or when I’m at my goal weight.

This is something I’m going to have to work on because it’s come up before.  Instead of dealing with it, I’ve just kept the weight on and didn’t think about it.  If this healing is going to continue, I’m going to need to think through those instances where I was seen and hurt and how that’s in the past and I let that go now.  I’m a different person today.  I feel better about myself in many ways. I no longer attract negative people into my life. I’ve met and maintained many positive relationships and I’m grateful.   I will continue to dig deeper into those old emotions and how when they come instead of giving them airtime, I will challenge them, are they still valid? Is there anything in my life currently that’s supporting this belief today? If not, can I release it? Can I let go of those old emotions that held on to the fear of being ‘seen’?  If so, I am going to let them go now because they no longer serve me and who I am today.

It feels good expressing this to you, thank you for listening!

Old Emotional Patterns Contributing to Weight

Old Emotional Patterns Contributing to Weight

Old Emotional Patterns Contributing to Weight

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