I took some much needed time off this week. It was nice to be outside and in the sun. The difference the sun makes still amazes me. I enjoy going out for long walks outside in nature. For some reason, it helps clear my head and reconnects me to life. When I become caught in the day to day, I forget to take the time to look up and enjoy the moment. Having walks daily outside really opened my eyes to what I enjoy. It gave me the time to reflect and see how much I push my way through life instead of letting life unfold organically. I have goals and dreams which is good to follow however, I find myself trying to control everything. When I ‘push’ through towards goals, I become exhausted and start saying ‘Is this it?’.
Eating has become a crutch, release and outlet for me over the years. A lot of it being emotionally driven and something to look forward to on a nightly basis. I think because I’ve spent a lot of time with goals and pushing towards them, I haven’t enjoyed life but instead have lived in my head. To get a sense of release and relaxation, I’ve turned to food to satisfy my need for pleasure when the outside world wasn’t ‘cooperating’ with how I thought things should turn out (I’m still working on this).
Keeping positive thoughts throughout the day has been challenging because I’ve been so accustomed to thinking the negative. I’ve worked on stopping the old thought patterns which ruminate excessively on a daily basis.This week was a good example. I had something happen the other day which really bothered me. I was ruminating on it for hours, it was tough to continuously stop it. Finally at one point, I said out loud, “STOP!” and it worked for the most part. A little has crept in since, but the ruminating stopped. I was able to focus on other things, not necessarily positive ones like I would have wanted, but it did get me out of the treadmill of thoughts from the event that took place earlier this week.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my life, how I’ve changed and continue to change. I have a long way to go and that’s okay. Letting go of this ‘I have to be at this point by this date’ mentality I’ve lived before is key. It doesn’t’ make things come faster and honestly it just causes stress. Yes, I’d love to be farther along, including losing all the weight, but I know I’m on my own journey. I’ve accepted where I am now. I know I’ve done damage to my body over the years with crazy extreme yo-yo dieting and it takes time to heal. Pushing myself has never worked and I’ve had to let that go because it causes anxiety, but that’s only if I let my thoughts go there. The key is keeping myself active and engaged in things I enjoy, including long walks outside in nature. There is something to this simple act that resets me and I look forward to going.
Next week, I’ll be back on a regular schedule. I have to say I’m not necessarily looking forward to it but this is where I’m at right now. I have ideas of the direction I’m headed, and I will continue to focus on elevating my thoughts and emotions to experience happiness to move in that direction. The key for me is to feel good through the process. Who knows, maybe that will also change my relationship with food…