The Ups and Downs of this Journey

It’s been an interesting few weeks. I contracted a cold, which I haven’t had in years.  My skin all of the sudden became inflamed and itchy.  I couldn’t figure it out.  I have been eating well for over 50 days now and yet for some reason, these things appeared. I’m thinking my body is just ridding itself of toxins, but I’m not sure.  My focus these past couple of weeks has been on getting better and healing.

Last week, we went on a road trip.  Eating out required planning ahead and looking online at menus to decide which would be the best choices.  Overall, I did well.  However, when I got home, we went out for dinner one night and while I ordered fish, I also ordered sweet potato fries. I know it was because I waited too long to eat and I didn’t plan ahead. One big learning, if I wait too long I feel vulnerable to the negative thoughts of giving up. In this case, I had the thought, I want sweet potato friends and I’m going to eat them. Because I was hungry and tired, these thoughts were strong and prevailed over my ‘logical self’.

The next day, I got back on track and started eating what I planned for the day and I felt much better about it. But lately, I have been craving carbs and that’s a sign the sugar is calling.  It’s important to keep moving forward and continuing to plan ahead the healthy foods I’m going to eat. I also plan to pick out some interesting recipes I can look forward to eating so I don’t get bored eating the same things every day.

 

 

I continue to learn about myself, habits and how my body works.  I do well planning ahead instead of leaving it up to circumstances where I’m more likely to binge on unhealthy foods.  I’m so grateful though that I’m not overeating or have the ‘urge’ to overeat in the afternoons and at night. Even after eating the sweet potato fries, it didn’t set me up to binge on sugar and flour. It was easy to regroup which is a different then what I’ve experienced in the past. Typically, I would go off and binge for days.

One thing I’m exploring is my thoughts and focus throughout this journey.  I believe no matter what, if I focus on health and being at the perfect weight, things will change. Instead of focusing on ‘good vs. bad’ foods and focusing more on health, I believe my life with change dramatically. I’m testing the theory out now.  In the past, my focus has always been ‘losing weight’ and I’m not sure if that was the right focus.  I think now, it’s more about health.  More to come on this as I go through this journey. For now, I’m thankful I could share with you these experiences that are evolving me as a person while also transforming how I approach health and wellness.

5 Things That’s Changed Since Being Off Sugar & Flour

It’s been 39 days off sugar and flour and there are some significant changes I’ve witness so far I wanted to share with you.  It amazes me how fast these changes have occurred.

  1. Improved sleep – 2 months ago I was complaining about my sleep.  I just couldn’t get comfortable at night and sleeping through the night was rare.  At times, I found myself waking up abruptly (which may have been sleep apnea) and I snored.  For the past few weeks, I haven’t woken myself up and sleeping has been much more comfortable.  I can’t believe how much better I’ve been feeling during the day because I had a decent night of sleep.
  2. Self-control – this is an interesting one. I’ve blogged in the past how much I’ve been very hard on myself repeatedly about not controlling my eating in the afternoons and at night. These last few weeks have been eye-opening.  I haven’t felt a physical craving since the first week.  The biggest test was when I spent hours decorating my son’s birthday cake (cake was a huge trigger food for me) and not one thing went into my mouth.  I didn’t even have one urge to take a bite! Unheard of in the past!
  3. Clear & focused thinking – I blogged about a time at work where I had to give a big presentation and rocked it. Now this doesn’t seem out of the ordinary but in the last few years, I’ve noticed differences with my memory and quick thinking.  It never seemed an issue in the past, but I couldn’t deny it was slowly impacting things in my life and it started to bother me more and more.  Today, I’m remembering things and can quickly focus on tasks rather then feeling ‘all over the place’.
  4. Calmer disposition – This one follows the one above because I believe having focus and clarity leads to a calmer life.  I can’t tell you how much I experienced anxiety over stupid stuff (not getting somewhere on time, etc).  I noticed a dramatic change just the other day when a ‘stressful’ situation came up, I was able to take a moment to think clearly instead of impulsively taking action.  Even my family noticed this change!
  5. More energy – Finally, I definitely have more energy to do things. I have been up later and doing more then ever.  Typically, I would zone out after dinner on the couch with ice cream. Now I’m getting ready for the next day, cooking a full dinner or finishing things on my ‘to do’ list. It feels nice to have the energy to get things done instead of having them linger.  A huge plus as I move into this next month.

Overall, I can say this has been the best experience for me. I feel so much better.  Have I lost weight? Yes, but it’s more than that. Having self-control is the most liberating.  Feeling better about my focus and thoughts helps too.  I’m not saying there are going to be tough times, in fact I was just talking to a friend about traveling this weekend and making sure I prepare ahead because eating on the road has been an issue for me in the past.

Losing weight in our society is not easy.  We are hit constantly by food ads and fast food places, it’s overwhelming.  It takes time and effort to be healthy.  But my decision to do this for myself is a priority and there isn’t any other way but to take the time and effort to plan ahead.  Next week will be good test to see how I do on the road. More to come!

 

Birthdays, Holidays and Guests, Oh my!

This is a big week that includes my son’s birthday (2 parties), the holiday (parties and fireworks) and house guests.   Well, ‘they say’ things come in threes, I don’t necessarily believe it, but this week there are three events to manage.  It’s been 32 days since I’ve been off sugar and flour. I’ve lost a total of 11 lbs and about 5″ (not sure about this figure because I’m measuring myself which may not be consistent). Either way, my pants are loose and that makes me happy.

We celebrated my son’s birthday with ice cream pie, his favorite.  I had my husband pick it up because I didn’t even want to attempt going into an ice cream shoppe.  I decided while they were eating the pie, I was going to eat my snack. I had it all planned out.  That night, while they dug into what looked like an amazing Oreo ice cream pie, I was eating my snack and it wasn’t that bad.  The pie eating only took roughly 15 minutes.  I was at the table and we all sat around and talked. The pie was put away and it was over.  I prepared ahead for 15 minutes which just proved to me my relationship with food has gotten out of hand.

I didn’t experience physical cravings which was good because if I had that and ’emotional cravings’, I don’t know how I would have gotten through.  The emotional cravings is what I’m dealing with for the majority of the time.  The only time the physical piece comes into play is when I wait too long to eat – 4+ hours which happens at times.  The emotional cravings go something like this, “Aw I wish I could have some of that pie, it looks so good. I know it tastes amazing too because I’ve had it before.  It just feels like I’m missing out on that taste, that taste that is yummy.  The food I eat doesn’t have the same ‘yummy’ factor that sweets do. Aw I want a piece.

On the flip side, here’s how I’ve had to counter those thoughts.  “I’ve eaten so much ice cream in my life, does it really help me to eat more? Eating excessive sweets and sugar made me fat, unhealthy and uncomfortable.  They taste good momentarily, but is it worth it when I’m gaining tons of weight because I can’t control my eating afterwards.  Sugar sends me on a downward spiral of overeating which has costed me my life, literally. I’ve been fat, unhealthy and heading down the path of diabetes and who knows what else. I’m tired all the time, can’t fit into clothes and getting fatter. That’s what overeating sugar and flour has done to me, is the ice cream pie worth all of that? It’s taken my life and now it’s time for me to take my life back.

This conversation (or similar variations) can go on for a while.  It has to occur because the child within me has ruled for too long and honestly, has put me in a position of obesity and poor health. This is not who I am. I was an athlete in my early life, worked in the health industry for years and I’m a certified personal trainer.  Health and wellness are part of me.  Food is nourishment, that’s it. It’s not my crutch when I’m lonely. It’s not serving me in any capacity, in fact, sugar and flour make people fat and sick.

This weekend is July 4th. We have another party tomorrow night and Saturday and today I am spending time to plan ahead my eating schedule.  I will also have foods I’d like to eat ready to go so there’s no ability to be ‘stuck’.  This holiday is huge when it comes to cook outs, drinking and overeating. I know because I’ve done it year after year.  This year though, it feels good to have more control.  I’m going in knowing how things will be and if there are times where I’m not sure, I will think it through first before making a rash decision.

My focus is going to be on spending time with family, enjoying conversation and taking time to relax for the holiday.  That’s much better than feeling regretful at the end of the weekend because I stuffed my face with so much food.  Remember, food is nourishment, not emotional comfort.

I wish you all a happy  and safe holiday. Enjoy your families and friends, that’s what it’s about!

 

Slow and Steady Healing

It’s been 25 days since I’ve eaten sugar or flour.  I haven’t had any physical cravings at all since the first week. Probably because I’ve been eating whole foods that fill me up more than ever. I have never eaten this much food before.  I remember years ago when I was on WW, I would try to fit in the ‘good foods’ with my points, basically eating less to keep enough points to eat ice cream later in the day.  But that sacrifice did not provide the appropriate nutrients to keep me healthy. Yes, I lost weight, but I didn’t necessarily do my body a favor in the long run nor did I learn the right way to eat to sustain a healthy body.  The WW program has since changed significantly which probably was because so many other people were doing the same thing. I didn’t think about it back then, I was just thinking about getting in those foods I craved the most, cookies, cakes and ice cream because I was addicted to them.

Without those foods, I’ve been feeling good, losing weight and it’s been nice to feel ‘in control’ again.  For roughly 2 years, I had given up on my health because I wasn’t seeing progress. I would go on a diet, lose a few pounds, stop losing and then nothing. I would become frustrated and binge saying to myself, ‘Nothing works!’.  This time around, I have so much more hope because I’m taking things very slow and seeing a difference. My first order of business was to get off sugar and flour, focusing on eliminating the cravings for those foods I was addicted to and so far it’s been nice. I even forgot to eat lunch one day!!

However, handling emotions is key.  Things have been occurring in my life where the emotions come on strong. In the past, I would quickly reach for food and binge to alleviate those emotions to feel better quick.  Lately, I haven’t been doing that, so I’ve had to come up with new ways to work through them.  The good news is because I focused on improving my emotional intelligence for the last few years, I’m noticing a difference in how I’m handling them than I ever have in the past.  It’s a new concept for me.  Since I’m not eating to deal with the emotions, they are significantly heightened and I have to face them now.  I’m not going to say I’m a 100% there, but I’ve definitely come a long way. It’s a little overwhelming, but I’m taking things day by day. Thankfully, I have a support system of friends and family I can call on and it helps.

As I continue healing, I will take it one step at a time. In the past, the perfectionist attitude would have me take on so much at once that there was no other option but to fail. This time around, I’m doing things a lot slower. Focusing on a few things helps keep it all manageable. Yes, I’m sure there are so many other things I have to do to heal, but for right now, this is working. So I’ll continue to focus on that and forget the rest (for now).

Progress Fuels Motivation

Progress Fuels Motivation.  It’s been 18 days since I’ve eaten any sugar or flour.  It feels good. The first 10 days were tough. I had headaches, pains and strange things going on with my body. Although now, I feel a lot better.  If I drink caffeine though, I don’t sleep as well and I can feel it the next day.  I’m still somewhat tired in the afternoons but I don’t experience the typical sugar crash which leads to eating carbs or sugar.  I’m not experiencing cravings either which feels great. The key for me is I have to eat all that I planned to eat for the day otherwise I’m hungry and that’s when I can get into trouble.

Yes, I’ve lost about 7 lbs so far and there have been a couple of people at work mentioning it to me which I was surprised given it’s not really dramatic, yet.  Their compliments made my day and it feels good physically as well.

However, here’s what really hit me hard.  Yesterday, I had to present to ~80 ppl.  Typically, these types of events cause me to stress beforehand to the point where I can’t focus on anything else. But yesterday, I prepared ahead, went through the presentation material and felt really good. What really made such an impact on me was my brain. We’ve all heard a poor nutritional diet causes brain-fog, and I was the poster child for this symptom for years. I’ve had brain fog for a while but it didn’t really impact much when I was younger so I didn’t think it was a big deal (a.k.a. I was in denial).

I knew I was smart, but there would be times where neurons weren’t firing correctly and I wasn’t thinking fast enough to articulate what I needed to say. It was frustrating but I brushed it off because it wasn’t such an issue then.  However, after hitting 40, I noticed it more and more. As a result, I started not trusting my ability to articulate or think clearly. I know that sounds crazy but it’s the truth. I was very hard on myself and I knew deep down inside it was related to my poor diet of sugar and processed foods. I didn’t want to admit it because I was so addicted to those foods and didn’t want to give them up. In the meantime, my self worth was going down fast because I wasn’t processing mentally like I used to and yet I was denying the truth. It’s like a car that ages and if you continue to abuse it by not servicing it, going for oil changes or using the correct octane of gas, it deteriorates slowly.  You don’t notice because it’s slow, until one day when it breaks down.  It’s the same thing with our bodies. Most of us don’t focus on it until the doctor comes to give a diagnosis and we’re sitting there saying, ‘How did this happen?’ when in reality, we know what caused it.  Years of abusing our bodies.

Yesterday proved to me yet another reason why eating a healthy diet is so important (not that I didn’t know this already, but actually ‘KNOWING’ it is something different).   I was confident going into the presentation.  Thoughts came to me easily, I felt comfortable about what I was saying and honestly, those in the audience could feel it. I received a lot of positive feedback afterwards and it was exhilarating! I knew at that moment, this is why I’m taking the time and the effort to clean up my diet. I spent 20 years eating garbage and it’s going to take time to heal this body, but I now know this is right track.

I’ve done so many diets, so many fads and failed consistently because of cravings and deprivation.  I cannot say I’m deprived now because I eat more food then I ever have in the past.  I haven’t experienced cravings which caused me to fail in the past.  I’m also listening to lectures and books on why sugar and flour is causing the ‘diabesity’ in our country and it keeps me motivated.

I will continue with preparing ahead of time, creating menus and prepping foods for the week ahead.  It takes work, but it also takes work to think when you’re brain isn’t operating at full throttle, it takes work to get in and out of a car when you’re severely overweight. It takes work to walk up stairs.  I provided a lot of excuses as to why I continued down the unhealthy path, ‘It’s too hard.’ ‘I’m too tired (my favorite one).’ or ‘I’ll do it next week.’ These were all helpless/hopeless lies I told myself to feel better, to justify why I couldn’t do it. Honestly, I can say, if you have help, you can do it. If you don’t have friends or family support, hire someone to help you or start a support group at your local library which is free, to create that support for yourself.

I strive to be the example we can all live a happy, healthy life if we take the time and effort to move forward and refuse to give up.

Making my health a priority

It’s been an interesting week.  BFF is here and on time as usual. It explains my emotional roller coaster last week.  I’m on day 11 not eating sugar or flour.  I feel okay but it’s hard to say how much it’s impacted my health because it’s so early.  I’m not experiencing physical hunger. The food I’m eating (whole grains, veggies, lean protein) keeps me satisfied for the day. I was feeling very tired yesterday and believe its because of BFF right now and why I ate some ‘Mary Gone Crackers’ (flax crackers) last night.  I didn’t have it planned but it satisfied the ‘crunch’ that I was looking for all day.  I’m wondering if those types of cravings eventually disappear with time.

Time – that’s the key.  It took me 20 years to get to this point, I know it’s going to take time to get used to eating this way for the rest of my life and ultimately ‘reset’ my body to where it’s supposed to be.  I may have to give up caffeine but I’m not doing it just yet. I have made a huge shift and I think if I add another major one it will add too much at once. It’s going to have to wait until I get used to this initial shift first . But, I noticed when I drink caffeine, my skin gets agitated.  It’s got to be the acid. I’ll look to drink decaf at some point. However, for now, I’m going to continue to be aware of what’s going on with my body.  I have lost some weight, although I feel bloated this week because of BFF, but overall I feel good.

For so long, I’ve been ‘waiting’ for the right time to ‘work on my health’. It’s funny because back in 2011, I made a major move to ‘work on my health’.  But I never realized it had to start with my mind. I was so unaware back then (and it’s only been a few years). I thought for sure I would figure out what I needed to do to lose weight, but what happened was so much more and for that I’m eternally grateful. I learned about my mind and my feelings and how they are connected. I learned how my thinking was causing my current reality.  If I never learned all of that, I wouldn’t be where I am today which is facing reality as to why I’m overweight, how it began, how my thinking and resulting behaviors contributed to an unhealthy body.  If I didn’t gain that knowledge, I would be on another diet again, failing and wondering why I’m gaining and losing the same 10 lbs when I have over 50 to lose.

This is the focus in my life right now. Everything else is on the periphery. I’m okay with that because I have been wanting to focus just on this and yet, things seemed to get in the way. Not this time. I’ve got weight to lose and a body to transform. I cannot do that when distracted with so many other things in my life.  Of course, those distraction were cause by me making those other things a priority over the true priority which is my health. I also know, doing this will help me achieve one of my other goals – being a role model for my son which I believe is going to be the case as I go through this transformation.

 

The journey begins…

This week, I decided to  go off sugar, corn and flour.  I have done this before and it’s difficult because sugar and corn are in just about everything (i.e. bread, bacon etc.) and flour is in most processed foods.   In the past, I was on my own and was super strict. I didn’t eat dairy or any grains.  In fact, all I ate was veggies and protein. It was very limiting and probably why I only lasted 3 months.  I have to say for that short time, I did feel better than I ever had in the past.

This time around, I am eating whole grains and dairy.  I’m not using to eating like that, it’s a lot of food. But I believe it helps with the physical cravings.  After day 3, I was craving pizza and I caught my thoughts about it and was okay. I was emotional too but I opted to go for a walk and that really helped.  Other than that, so far it’s been okay.

I felt intimated about doing this again because I had failed in the past.  I haven’t been able to stay on a lot of diets for a significant amount of time except Weight Watchers.  However, even while on WW, I was frustrated because I would lose and gain back the same weight for years, hence why I stopped all together.

Now, I’m looking at this as an abstinence decision instead of any diet. I am choosing to eat healthy natural foods. I’m recording a video diary that at some point I’ll edit and post on YouTube so others can see my progress.  It will take time both physically and mentally to break the sugar addiction that some scientists say is like a drug.  That being said, I know practicing abstinence is key. Check out this 60 minutes story on sugar:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6n29ZIJ-jQA

For me, sugar, corn and flour have altered my metabolic profile.  This means my body has changed so much, it needs serious change to ‘reset’ and function normally.  If not, the chances of weight gain and medical problems increases significantly.

Sugar, in particular when eaten in mass quantities (which is easy to do in the American diet), causes the body to crave it more. It’s like caffeine, after a while, your body processes the caffeine much quicker and it needs more coffee to get the same effect. Sugar is the same. After consuming so much of it, your body has become ‘immune’ to it’s impacts so you have to eat more to get the same feelings of pleasure (couple that with intense cravings).  However, with sugar, consuming more and more not only increases weight, it starts to change the body’s endocrine system (think belly fat) ultimately leading to diabetes, heart disease and potentially cancer.

The fact is, I gorged on sugar for over 20 years.  It’s the reason why I am where I am today.  In those 20 years, the volume of those junk foods increased over time because it took more of it to experience the same feelings of ‘fulfillment and satisfaction’. Unfortunately, the cravings intensified to the point where logic and reason were no longer dominant. It seemed like the cravings would always trump my reasoning when making better food choices.

When I’m off sugar, I feel like a different person. I’m able to think clearly, make better (and more confident decisions) about food and of course lose weight.  It’s going to take time to get there, however, it’s what has to be done if I’m going to change my body to live a longer life. Over the last few years, I have grown personally and a lot of the affirmations and meditation I’ve been doing consistently have really help during the tough times.  That includes the healthy habits I had identified and incorporated into my routines for a while now which I believe has prepared me for this journey…

sugar abstinence, weight loss, hormones 

 

Would I lie to you (I mean myself)???

(I used to love that song back in the 80’s!!)

At our weight loss support group meeting, we talked about what works when we are ‘on track’ or ‘being good’ and what doesn’t.  Then it came to me, am I telling myself the truth about what works?  Am I telling myself the truth when I say things like, “I don’t have a sugar addiction.” or “I can eat just a little bit and I’m satisfied.”  Really?  Is this true or how I manipulate the truth to ‘justify’ my actions? Or should I say, give myself permission?   Similar to being in a unhappy relationship, we lie to ourselves over and over to justify our decision to stay in the relationship without even thinking twice. If I know this, why do I keep doing it?

I’d rather ignore the damages of what is being done to my body and eat food that ‘makes me feel good in the moment’ than face reality.  I’d rather give myself permission to eat as much as I want, when I want and what I want to appease the inner child in me because that’s how I’ve historically shown love to myself. This logically makes no sense, but if we are being honest, it is exactly what happens. This ‘love’ I’ve shown myself has resulted in the following:

  • BMI that’s off the chart
  • Obesity
  • Joint pain
  • Lack of energy
  • Insulin Resistance/Pre-diabetes
  • Hormone imbalances
  • Brain Fog
  • Lack of sleep
  • Female issues
  • Indicators for heart disease, leading to Syndrome X
  • Apple shape/Belly fat
  • Hair loss
  • Decline in physical appearance (i.e. can’t find clothes that look good, skin is bulgy etc.) which significantly impacts self-confidence and self-esteem

I have issues with food. I lose control more often then I’d like to admit. Here’s the thing, if I continue to lie to myself all the time, guess what the results will be 5 years, 10 years from now…you know the answer! Ding, ding: Unhealthy & unhappy with serious medical issues.

I’ve done a lot of self-development work over the course of the last 3 years. This work has opened my mind up to some of the self-destructive behaviors we all do that have sadly become habits.  If continued, these habits will lead to either early death or years of suffering.   I consider myself relatively young and yet, I feel like I’m in my 60’s because it’s hard to move around, be active and have the energy necessary to live a full life.  It’s not going to get easier, it’s going to get harder and harder. Yet, I lie to justify!  I ‘try’ not to think about it, but reality is, I’m thinking about it obsessively and that’s not working either.

It’s time to get real.  I have been avoiding the mirror because I don’t want to see the truth. When I went shopping for clothes, I was angry and wasn’t taking responsibility. I was blaming the clothing companies  and stores (my blog entry from last week) for not carrying or producing flattering clothing in my size.  While I still stand by the fact that there should be more tailored clothing available in plus sizes, the truth is, I didn’t want to take responsibility and own the anger.  Instead it was easier to blame others and continue lying to myself instead of the truth that it’s been my choices that landed me where I am today. Granted, there are many factors that go into those choices, like lack of knowledge, awareness and physical changes, but ultimately, it’s my life, my choices and I have to own that. I cannot continue to sit around making up stories to justify those choices.  I made them and it’s over. Now it’s time to accept where I am today and move forward.

I’ve made a lot of progress with incorporating healthy habits into my life, but I have a long way to go. That’s the truth.  The other truth is that in order for me to significantly improve my health, I have to start getting real about food.  I need to eliminate many of the offending foods from my diet.  There’s a reason most diets recommend ‘cleaning your environment’ and that’s to remove temptation from the equation. It’s difficult to incorporate changes to your diet but it’s extra hard when you have the offending foods in your face.  In the past, I would get angry, why can’t I have those foods available (going back to my childhood)?  I should be able to ‘handle’ them. The truth is, I cannot. I binge on them. Its time to remove them from my life. They do not add to my life, they slowly take it away.  I have to start saving my life today. I know if I don’t, I won’t be here as long as I should be. I know that sounds harsh, but it’s reality, and since I’m starting to give up lying to myself, I will give myself the gift of truth from this point forward.

In the coming weeks, I’ll be working to remove sugar and flour from my diet.  I’ve done it before unsuccessfully because I didn’t have the support system in place ahead of time.  Today, I do and I’ll be testing this in the coming weeks.  I’m so grateful to have this venue available so I can share with you my thoughts and emotions during this process.  It’s going to be tough but what will be tougher is if I don’t try and instead give up.  That I cannot do.

 

 

Shopping for clothes is not fun when you’re overweight

The last couple of weeks have been interesting. I’ve been really hard on myself and been noticing things bothering me more than normal. One thing that bothered me a lot had to do with clothes not fitting.  Because I’m an apple shape, it’s really hard to find clothes that fit well and look good.  I was doing some research online for tips for those who have apple shapes and honestly, ideas of what looks good were not consistent.

One challenge is finding the right pants or skirts to wear, not just for work but casual clothing as well.  It’s frustrating.  I take the time to style my hair and apply makeup on a daily basis.  However, when I wear an outfit and the waistband rolls over, it’s embarrassing.  I was honestly thinking, manufacturers should consider this when creating clothing for those of us who carry weight in our belly. Maybe create pants/skirts that are similar to maternity wear where the waistband goes up and over your belly. It’s crazy that I considered shopping in that department (and potentially very embarrassing) but what other options are there? I don’t want to walk around with pants rolling down and exposing my belly because my shirts aren’t long enough.

I know this sounds crazy but even though I am overweight, I do like to look presentable.  Is that so much to ask? Why does it seem as though a lot of these clothing manufactures think women who are overweight want to look like a tent? Why do shirts look like tents and pants look like parachutes? I don’t carry weight in my butt or legs, it’s all in my belly. That being said, when buying pants, I have to purchase ones that fit my waist.

Unfortunately, obesity is on the rise. If it continues to grow, how clothes are made should be adjusted to accommodate the various body types.  I don’t want to (nor can I) look like a slob when I’m at work.  It’s going to take time to lose this weight and while I am, I want to look good no matter if I’m at sporting event or in a meeting.

Shopping for clothes should be a fun experience. But at times, I end up leaving the store defeated because nothing fits right. I’m tired of wearing the same clothes.  It’s not fun, it’s overwhelming. Not only are you not finding the right fitting clothes, but you’re also looking at yourself in the mirror not fitting into clothes and looking awful. How can you ‘tell yourself’ you look good all the time, when you look in the mirror all you see is yourself NOT looking good?

I’ve been working on the positive thinking (as you know) and it’s helped a lot but when I trying to saying things like, “I’m a healthy weight” or “I’m fit and look amazing.” it’s not believable and I say to myself, whey am I lying to myself? Why am I saying this when I know it’s not true and knowing is what trumps what you’re saying, correct?

 

 

This is getting old…

Why does it seem like every time I get into a groove and really start to feel like I’m on the right track, all of the sudden, out of no where, I fall off the track!  And the kicker is, sometimes, I don’t even realize what I’m doing. It’s like I slip into bad habits and don’t even see them coming.  Then something happens, and I’m suddenly noticing what’s happening, yet I’m STILL ENGAGING in the behaviors…how does this make sense? This is getting old…

I have BFF this week, which as I mentioned in previous posts, my most vulnerable time (think pain-body/negative attitude).  I know this about myself, have spent time preparing, marking my calendar to make sure I stay on top of it and notice when I’m thinking differently.  Yet, at the same time, I unconsciously start thinking negatively, saying negative things about myself and then all of the sudden, I’m in front of the TV, binge eating and wondering how the heck I got there.

Can anyone relate to this? It’s like I become another person, the one that has a negative spirit, negative thoughts and ultimately follows negative behaviors which do not align with my true nature or my goals.  It’s very frustrating.

Yesterday, I noticed some of the things I was saying and I had to immediately stop myself.  It worked for about an hour, then back to it again. Yes, I grabbed a coffee because that does improve my state quickly and it did.  However, later in the evening, it happened again, followed by eating episode.  I was discouraged. It’s as if I don’t have control over it, like I don’t want to control it. There’s a serious internal conflict going on here.  I have recognized this behavior as being ‘Poor Maria, she’s going through BFF right now and needs to do what she wants to feel better’. This is not helpful, I know, but for some reason, it happens.  I believe it’s from my childhood when my mother treated me this way and I reveled in it because it was the one of the few times she showed compassion in our relationship.

But that was 20 years ago! Why the heck am I carrying on her legacy of treating me like I’m helpless?   I play this role to achieve attention and love.  If I don’t receive it externally from others, I give it to myself by ‘allowing’ any food and doing whatever I want during that time, which mostly consists on laying on the couch eating while watching TV.

I’m embarrassed to admit this but it’s time to get real. It’s time to lay it all out on the table because this has become a monthly thing.  I will do really well, habits going well, self-talk going well and then all of the sudden, I’m back at square one, doing the dumb stuff that put this weight on in the first place.  I’ve been able to squash this behavior when I’ve been on diets and losing weight, so I know it’s possible.  Preparing ahead has helped and I’m grateful I’m now fully aware of what I’m doing, but I think it’s going to take some work to resolve this internal conflict. Any ideas?