Why does it seem like every time I get into a groove and really start to feel like I’m on the right track, all of the sudden, out of no where, I fall off the track! And the kicker is, sometimes, I don’t even realize what I’m doing. It’s like I slip into bad habits and don’t even see them coming. Then something happens, and I’m suddenly noticing what’s happening, yet I’m STILL ENGAGING in the behaviors…how does this make sense? This is getting old…
I have BFF this week, which as I mentioned in previous posts, my most vulnerable time (think pain-body/negative attitude). I know this about myself, have spent time preparing, marking my calendar to make sure I stay on top of it and notice when I’m thinking differently. Yet, at the same time, I unconsciously start thinking negatively, saying negative things about myself and then all of the sudden, I’m in front of the TV, binge eating and wondering how the heck I got there.
Can anyone relate to this? It’s like I become another person, the one that has a negative spirit, negative thoughts and ultimately follows negative behaviors which do not align with my true nature or my goals. It’s very frustrating.
Yesterday, I noticed some of the things I was saying and I had to immediately stop myself. It worked for about an hour, then back to it again. Yes, I grabbed a coffee because that does improve my state quickly and it did. However, later in the evening, it happened again, followed by eating episode. I was discouraged. It’s as if I don’t have control over it, like I don’t want to control it. There’s a serious internal conflict going on here. I have recognized this behavior as being ‘Poor Maria, she’s going through BFF right now and needs to do what she wants to feel better’. This is not helpful, I know, but for some reason, it happens. I believe it’s from my childhood when my mother treated me this way and I reveled in it because it was the one of the few times she showed compassion in our relationship.
But that was 20 years ago! Why the heck am I carrying on her legacy of treating me like I’m helpless? I play this role to achieve attention and love. If I don’t receive it externally from others, I give it to myself by ‘allowing’ any food and doing whatever I want during that time, which mostly consists on laying on the couch eating while watching TV.
I’m embarrassed to admit this but it’s time to get real. It’s time to lay it all out on the table because this has become a monthly thing. I will do really well, habits going well, self-talk going well and then all of the sudden, I’m back at square one, doing the dumb stuff that put this weight on in the first place. I’ve been able to squash this behavior when I’ve been on diets and losing weight, so I know it’s possible. Preparing ahead has helped and I’m grateful I’m now fully aware of what I’m doing, but I think it’s going to take some work to resolve this internal conflict. Any ideas?